For some odd reason, odder than most, I find myself compelled to write about Fran Lebowitz. Who is this woman? What is the purpose for my intrigue? I have no insightful comments to make. I barely know her, not that I know her at all. I've never met her, but for a moment as I watched part of a documentary called Public Speaking, it seems I did.
Maybe I find her amazing because she doesn't appear to care much for appearance. She smokes heavily, and she says what is on her mind. At least, it seems she does. I watched about five minutes of this documentary, and in that time I realized that I kind of love her. For some odd reason... Odder than most. I don't generally fall "in love" with strange women. Not that I am "in love" with her. She is interesting, as in cutting against the grain.
The DVR is set to record the next showing of this film. At that time, maybe I'll find out why I like her this way. Perhaps I'll end up hating her. I have no idea. But for the fact that I am here... writing about someone I know nothing about, finding her absolutely intriguing, there must be something about this woman that has drawn my attention.
I find I connect with few people. I mean really connect with them on any deep level. Yet, it's impossible to connect with Fran on a deep level. I've never met her. She's 36 years above my age, we look nothing alike, I don't smoke, I don't wear tailored suits, and she talks A TON! I barely talk at all.
Narcolepsy causes all sorts of confusion. Like the fact that it's going to take me months to figure out how I'll get to the Narcolepsy Network conference this year, if I get there at all. The reason for my extended planning won't be because I'm working out the details with money, even though I will be, but rather because I'll be diving in and out of shallow sleepy waters.
The decisions involved in this should be simple. But they won't be. I know that I'll end up checking out the trains, figuring out where I need to go and if a bus is involved first. I'll second guess myself and what I've read. I'll stare at my computer screen forgetting what I'm doing, and then I'll get frustrated and need to take a nap.
When I come back to my task at hand, I'll be back at the beginning, and I'm sure I'll give up on the whole idea countless times. Countless partly because I'm in such a fog I can't keep track... and also because... well, as I'm writing this I've forgotten my other point ;) I've already abandoned the idea three times since yesterday because it becomes difficult to make a decision.
There are schedules to work out, times to depart, times to arrive, to make sure I am there at the right time for check in and check out while not sitting in a bus station or train station for so long that I fall asleep and miss the entire thing ;) Just kidding! Or am I? I'm not sure that I'm sure!
I've not yet attended a NN conference, but I'm increasingly excited to do this. It would be wonderful to meet other PWN (people with Narcolepsy). I've never met one in person that I am aware. Of course, my PWN friends who are all becoming more and more like family have been wonderful to talk with online. If it weren't for them, I would be facebookless. I don't particularly enjoy facebook, but it does allow for connections I would otherwise be without.
Want to know what I've used a spellchecker for during this blog post? The word plane (plain or plane). This is embarrassing for someone who was once great with vocabulary and also claims to be a writer. Ha!
Hello, and thanks for checking out my Birthday Wish!
For my birthday on March 7th, I'm asking my friends and family for a special gift: help me raise $250 for "The Cove" - Save Japan Dolphins. It's a great cause that will end the slaughter of over 20,000 dolphins in Japan each year
I chose "The Cove" - Save Japan Dolphins because animals deserve to be treated with respect. Not only is this activity brutal, but the dolphins are secretly sold as whale meat in markets in Japan. Dolphin meat is dangerously high in mercury!
Please consider giving to my Birthday Wish, and together we can make the world a better place. If you can't give now, I'd really appreciate if you'd share this page with your friends.
It's easy to feel helpless, but anything you can do to help is something, it's more than nothing! And everything we do brings us all closer to ending this animal cruelty!
It isn't too late to join the millions of humans and thousands of dolphins! What have you done to help?
When you think of the ocean, what is it that you find with your senses? Typical answers would be your toes sinking into the sand, the water rushing against your ankles, the smell of fishy salty water, the lull of the tide.
When I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be a mermaid. Maybe it was the red hair connection I shared with Ariel. Who knows? But when I realized I couldn't actually be a mermaid, my hopes fell toward marine biology. I didn't actually know what a marine biologist was when my friend told me to use that as my "what I want to be when I grow up" answer in second grade. However, that smart girl opened my eyes to a beautiful world far away from my own.
So why is the once majestic blue water turning red inside my mind? Why is it that the water no longer rushes quietly over the sand? If you don't know the answer, then you are just as unaware as most of us. I'd put off watching The Cove because I knew it could only break my heart. I fought myself, everyone told me not to watch it, but some things are more powerful than the self.
The beginning of the documentary was informative and educational. It showed people doing exactly what I have always wanted to do, or what I have done. There were people watching Flipper, swimming with dolphins, viewing shows at places like Sea World. Humans loving animals... and like so many other times, causing them much more harm than good... But then there were those that risked their lives to save them.
I am so grateful to people like Ric O'Barry, originally responsible for the dolphins used in the Flipper T.V. show, who has respectively retreated from the world of dolphin captivity. He has done everything in his power to save dolphins, to free them from the grasp of the money hungry hunters. He's been repeatedly arrested for his efforts in different areas of the world. He's been successful, but the greatest success has yet to come. I believe The Cove will be a large factor in saving these intelligent creatures.
.........
Dolphins use an incredibly complex sonar system for understanding the world around them. They can scan our bodies in such detail that the beating heart of a child in a womb could be visible. The people responsible for ending the lives of the dolphins in Taiji, Japan drive their boats out between the months of September to April in sight of dolphin pods. When a group is found, the hunters lower a metal rod into the water and begin banging on it from above. Their intention is to confuse the dolphins because the sound will interfere with their innate use of sonar. The men continue banging on the rods, the sound echoing through the water, driving the dolphins nearer to the cove.
My heart feels broken, my stomach weak, my eyes are sore and dry from the salty tears. I watched the dolphins swimming, jumping out of the water, as the boats sailed behind them with the banging of the metal rods. Once the dolphins were cornered into the cove, the nets went up to keep them inside. After the dolphins have been picked through by those that wish to purchase them for entertainment purposes, the rest are brutally slaughtered...
...................
The rock line was already stained by the blood from past bodies, but the water had suitably returned to a normal color... And without preparations, I knew it wouldn't be long. After the dolphins were cornered and picked through, the rest were left to die. I watched as the many spears came down, thrusting into the dolphins bodies repeatedly. They tried to jump, but their wounded and bleeding bodies could only struggle. My eyes welled with tears that fell faster as the cries became fewer, and the struggling became weaker. My entire body convulsed as I collapsed into my boyfriend's arms. And as the water turned redder, the men grew richer.
It doesn't matter how hard I try to get past this, how much I fight, I feel the defeat of these animals within my own body. Their cries go on, playing inside my mind, a tune I will regretfully never erase. Last night while in my comfortable bed, I woke from my already weakened sleep to the images I never want to forget, and I never want to remember.
How quickly the water turned red... Dark blue to bright red.
This is something I wrote in 2007. I am re-posting it for some friends that haven't had a chance to see this entry. This was well before I knew I had Narcolepsy, but I do remember this being a time of increased struggle with the beginnings of the worsening of the condition, although, I feel I've had this illness much longer.
The room was small and had no windows to climb through. One spider found a safe place to make a home in the corner where the ceiling met the wall. All I had was a can of spray paint, so I shook it up and fired. Tiny spiders started falling one by one, and eventually there were so many that I couldn't see. I watched them growing from specs of sand to quarters. We found ourselves surrounded. Spiders were flying above our heads while jumping from wall to wall. Joel and I tried to escape, but there were no windows, there was no door. There was no way out.. Revenge was worth it to them, because shortly after we were dead.
I had a dark horse, something I truly loved. I was brushing it one day getting ready for some important event. Somehow I tickled the horse with the brush and it tried to tickle me back.. but that lead to him almost biting my head off. So I ran. I ran and he chased me, but I made it inside the door before he could get to me. I realized I was dreaming. I told myself to leave my body like last time, but I only made it halfway out. I could feel something wasn't right. It started to hurt and my body shook violently for what felt like hours. I tried to make sounds, I wanted someone to wake me up... but no one in the room could see me shaking and no one could hear me. Shortly after, my mind woke while my body kept sleeping. I was trapped in a place I couldn't escape, in my own body, somewhere in my mind. I felt so much pain. The pains shot throughout my body, even my teeth were hurting. My nerve endings were burning and I was afraid I'd never make it back. I woke up confused and so exhausted I could barely move. My body was still hurting and so were my teeth. I never wanted to sleep again.
Recently I moved to a new house with my parents, but the yard looks exactly the same as our old one. Maybe it wasn't such a secret... I don't know how he found me there. He was someone close to me in the past, someone I've ignored the warning signs for. I guess I should've listened to myself... One of my biggest fears is rape. I'm terrified of the thought, but who wouldn't be? I was raped in my yard the other night, near the fence.. and this is as much as I can remember. My father found out, and he killed this man. He chopped him perfectly into tiny little squares and carried the pieces in a burlap sack. We thought about what to do with the pieces. We could bury them or put the body to rest. We could burn them and drown the ashes. We opened the sack to find the pieces had turned to little pebbles of dog food. It would be far too strange to feed them to any animal, so now we're left wondering what to do, how this happened, and how to cover up the murder.
These stories were all very strange dreams. For the most part I can't control what happens in my mind while I sleep. It's sometimes very scary, I'm hoping for something a little happier tonight. I've been able to sleep with Joel for about the past week so I felt much better, much safer, but tonight I'm alone with the creatures in my head. :(
