Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Figure it out Freud

This is something I wrote in 2007. I am re-posting it for some friends that haven't had a chance to see this entry. This was well before I knew I had Narcolepsy, but I do remember this being a time of increased struggle with the beginnings of the worsening of the condition, although, I feel I've had this illness much longer.

The room was small and had no windows to climb through. One spider found a safe place to make a home in the corner where the ceiling met the wall. All I had was a can of spray paint, so I shook it up and fired. Tiny spiders started falling one by one, and eventually there were so many that I couldn't see. I watched them growing from specs of sand to quarters. We found ourselves surrounded. Spiders were flying above our heads while jumping from wall to wall. Joel and I tried to escape, but there were no windows, there was no door. There was no way out.. Revenge was worth it to them, because shortly after we were dead.

I had a dark horse, something I truly loved. I was brushing it one day getting ready for some important event. Somehow I tickled the horse with the brush and it tried to tickle me back.. but that lead to him almost biting my head off. So I ran. I ran and he chased me, but I made it inside the door before he could get to me. I realized I was dreaming. I told myself to leave my body like last time, but I only made it halfway out. I could feel something wasn't right. It started to hurt and my body shook violently for what felt like hours. I tried to make sounds, I wanted someone to wake me up... but no one in the room could see me shaking and no one could hear me. Shortly after, my mind woke while my body kept sleeping. I was trapped in a place I couldn't escape, in my own body, somewhere in my mind. I felt so much pain. The pains shot throughout my body, even my teeth were hurting. My nerve endings were burning and I was afraid I'd never make it back. I woke up confused and so exhausted I could barely move. My body was still hurting and so were my teeth. I never wanted to sleep again.

Recently I moved to a new house with my parents, but the yard looks exactly the same as our old one. Maybe it wasn't such a secret... I don't know how he found me there. He was someone close to me in the past, someone I've ignored the warning signs for. I guess I should've listened to myself... One of my biggest fears is rape. I'm terrified of the thought, but who wouldn't be? I was raped in my yard the other night, near the fence.. and this is as much as I can remember. My father found out, and he killed this man. He chopped him perfectly into tiny little squares and carried the pieces in a burlap sack. We thought about what to do with the pieces. We could bury them or put the body to rest. We could burn them and drown the ashes. We opened the sack to find the pieces had turned to little pebbles of dog food. It would be far too strange to feed them to any animal, so now we're left wondering what to do, how this happened, and how to cover up the murder.

These stories were all very strange dreams. For the most part I can't control what happens in my mind while I sleep. It's sometimes very scary, I'm hoping for something a little happier tonight. I've been able to sleep with Joel for about the past week so I felt much better, much safer, but tonight I'm alone with the creatures in my head. :(


Norman C Hoffmann said...

This is like just a little demonic. Just a little.

Crystal Fields said...

Ha, yes this may be true... But how much control do I have over what I dream? Do you have control over your dreams?